Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
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i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
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I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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