By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
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just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
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He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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