Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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