I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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