well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
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You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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