She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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