he told me I talked like a deaf person
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
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This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
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What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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