based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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