My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
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