I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
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Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
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He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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