i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
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She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
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At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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