I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
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I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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