my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
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I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
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