you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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