I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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