I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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