Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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