I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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