Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
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So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
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I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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