I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
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It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
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All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
there is glitter all over my balls
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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