omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
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Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
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You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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