i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
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why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
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I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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