Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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