Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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