Whatcha textin bout Willis?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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