Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
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I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
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well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
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