I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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