just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
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This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
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My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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