Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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