come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
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he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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