It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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