So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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