see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
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you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
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I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
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