I could make wine with my vomit
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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