Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
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Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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