I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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