The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
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he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
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The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
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