no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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