I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
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Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
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I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
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