If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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