if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
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He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
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I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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