So drunk its hurt
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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