Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
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This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
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My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
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