at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
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I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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