and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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