i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
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He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
We have started to decorate penises.
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show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
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