There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
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It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
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Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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