as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
what day is it and did you see me today?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize