if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
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I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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