i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
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And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
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I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
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